05 March 2008

05 March 2008

Well, okay. . . Ang weird ngayun ng pakiramdam ko. . . Imbes na magsaya ako kasi we actually won the student election, bakit nag eemote ako ngayun? Bakit hindi ko magawang mag celebrate? Bakit hindi ko magawang tumawa?

I hate this kind of feeling. . . Kanina lang, ang saya-saya ko. . . Kaya ko pang makipagbiruan. . . But what happened? Do I really have to feel this way? But for what reason? Squall, anu ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo? Why do you have to be suddenly in pain? Shit! Hindi ikaw yan Squall. Its not the Squall that the rest of your friends and classmates used to see.

Think, Squall. THINK! Ano ba talaga ang problema moh?

Think!

Think!

Alas, I know now. . . Kanina, I really enjoyed the company of my classmates. . . I really enjoyed the trippings. . . The laughters, the jokes and the teases. . . But really, did you enjoyed it? Wala ka bang naalala sa mga ginawa ninyo kanina? Wala ka bang namiss? Meron di ba? Galing mo talaga mag tago ng totoo mong nararamdaman. . . You wear your mask too well for them not to see the person wearing the mask. . .

Okay, anu ba talaga ang bigla mo naalala?

Think. . . Think. . . Think. . . THINK!

Okay! Okay, fine! Its my freakin’ friends. . . kala ko okay na. . . kala ko kaya ko na na mabuhay na hindi sila iniisip. . . na hindi ko na sila hahanapin. . . but then again kaya ko ba talaga? Noon sabi ko sa sarili ko, kaya ko. . . and kakayanin ko. . . pero hindi eh. . . mahirap. . . mahirap palang kalimutan ang mga taong naging bahagi na ng buhay moh. . . mahirap mag move on lalo na kung yung mga taong maiiwan mo eh yun din ang mga taong hahanapin mo sa pupuntahan mo. . . that you’ll realize in the end that what you’re leaving behind is a part of your life. . .

I know for some of us, ang babaw. . . I mean, their just “friends” and you can still look for someone new. . . pero for me, hindi eh. . . for me, they’re the only friends I had na talagang nag-enjoy ako. . . na talagang sumaya ako. . . since elementary, then high school, until early college life ko, nasanay na ako na makikisiksik lang sa ibang grupo for me to have my so-called friends. . . but during my third year in college, when I was about to be used to have my self as a friend, things turned 180 degrees. . . I meet them and instantly became my friends. . . for the last time, I had a so-called “best friend.” May tinawag na naman ako na best friend after Grace’s early demise. It was during those days na na-feel ko ang pagiging adolescent ko. . . I enjoyed by teenage life. . . but what happened? Kailangan bang dumating sa time na magkakawatak-watak pa kami? And who’s fault? MINE!

Well, hindi naman talaga nagkawatak-watak ang grupo namin. . . it was I who decided to detach with them. . . it was my choice! And my choice alone. . . sa sobra ko kasing kakaingat sa mga kaibigan ko, caring for them so that no one would dare to hurt them, nasasaktan ko na pala sila. . . I’m becoming the person I’m guarding them for. . . tama na yung masaktan kami sa pagkawala ng isang kaibigan na tinitingala namin bilang isang KUYA. . .

Shit! Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko ngayon! I feel not like myself!

Basta, I’m confused! The only thing that I’m not confused right now is the fact na talagang hindi ko magawang kalimutan ang mga taong pilit kong kinakalimutan. . . I miss my friends! A lot!

Kanina, while having some good times with my classmates, I can’t help but reminisce about the good times my friends and I shared. . . yeah, I should be happy because I’m back in the student government. . . but it won’t be the same again with out my friends. . . my best friend. . . my kuya. . . it would never be the same happy faces that I will see in the college board. . . new faces. . . new personalities. . . though almost every thing is new, its still the same old brand new me! I’m still looking back at the past. . . haunted by my past. . . I was hurt. . . but trying not to be hurt. . . no one is actually hurting me but my self. . .

Ako lang naman ang nananakit sa sarili ko eh. . . ako lang naman ang taong nagbibigay ng hinanakit sa sarili ko. . . kaya lang naman ako nasasaktan kasi nagpapaka praning ako sa mga bagay-bagay. . . napaka self-centered ko kasi. . .

Squall, wake up na nga! This is the real world. . . you’re living in a fantasy. . . hindi lahat ng gusto moh, magkakatotoo. . . hindi lahat ng bagay, aayon sa kagustuhan moh! Sometime, you need to feel alone and expect mo na din na hindi lahat ng tao magugustuhan ugali moh. . . live with it. . . that’s the reality!